I think im going to throw up on grandma
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
