Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
