Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
