i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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