shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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