he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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