Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
