My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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