my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
