You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
