Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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