He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
