We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
