I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
