She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
