Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
