Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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