Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
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Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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