I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
