he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
