Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
We need to get me chipped asap
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
