Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize