Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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