Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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