I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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