I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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