So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My ATM looks so different sober.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
