so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
