I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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