it wasn't lemon gatorade
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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