So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
