my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
