I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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