Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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