whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
