Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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