I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
