My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?