Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.