It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
