i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
