I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What a dumb baby whore.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
