And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
