Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
