if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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