I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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