I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
