so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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