Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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