mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
