apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
smell my finger.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
