lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you had me at cake vodka
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
