I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
