ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
