Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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