we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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