the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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