Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry about my life...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
