My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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