hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
